Thursday, December 08, 2005

Friendly Advice

Here's some things that were pointed out to me that you should keep in mind if you ain't from around here...

Advice for first time visitors to Arkansas:

1. That farm boy standing next to the feed bin did more work before breakfast than you do all week at the gym.

2. It's called a 'gravel road,' No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Navigator. I have a four wheel drive because I need it... not just to keep up with the neighbors.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were seven years old. Yeah, we shot Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to "corn fed" when talking about our women will get your butt whipped by our women.

5. Go ahead and bring your $600 Orvis Fly Rod. Don't cry to us if a flatheadcatfish breaks it off at the handle. We have a name for those little trout you fish for -- bait.

6. Pull your pants up. You look like an idiot.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. That's right. Whiskey is only two bucks. We can buy a fifth for what you pay for one drink at the airport.

9. No, there's no "Vegetarian Special" on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Or, you can order the Chef Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice!

11. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car you drive on weekends. We're real impressed. We have quarter of a million dollar combines that we use two weeks a year.

12. Let's get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it's red. We may even stop when it's yellow.

13. Our women hunt, fish, and drive pickups, trucks and tractors because they want to. So, you're a feminist. Isn't that cute?

14. Yeah, we eat catfish. Carp too -- and turtle. You really want sushi and caviar? It's available at the bait shop.

15. They are pigs. That's what they smell like. Get over it. Don't like it? Interstates 40 and 30 go East & West; Interstate 55 goes North & South. Pick one and use it accordingly.

16. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday. You can get breakfast at the church.

17. So every person in every pickup, waves. It's called being friendly.

18. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don't hit in the water hazard. It spooks the fish.

19. That Highway Patrol Officer who just pulled you over for driving like an idiot .. his name is "Sir"... no matter how old he is.

Now please, enjoy your visit. Just don't overdo your stay.


Anonymous said...

HELL YEAH BABY..that was awesome..

Arielle said...

I think your sense of humor might lead me to forgive y'all for producing the Clintons. ;)

Circa Bellum said...

Actually, we only made one of 'em. The distaff team member is a yankee from Chicago...(um, now New York) whatever.

heidi said...

From your description Arkansas resembles rural Montana. Sounds like home. Well, the parts not owned by retarded wealthy Hollyweirdos. Like your stuff.

Justin said...

Hi. Great site. I'm always looking for flyfishing info and sites to recommend and I have to say that yours is one of the better ones. I'll post again soon.