Oh no you didn't...

Sandy tossed this one out to me, I wish she hadn’t, because she is definitely a hard act to follow. But I sure don’t want anybody accusing me of being a lazy toid, so (deep breath) here goes…

If I could be a scientist, I’d invent Magic. That way I could conjure up anything else I wanted.

If I could be a farmer, I’d grow crablegs and moon pies. I’d have that shit planted all over my 3 or 4 acre spread.

If I could be a musician, I’d master the jaw harp and the kazoo. Man, those are romantic instruments and will flat out get you the chicks.

If I could be a doctor, I’d be a gynecologist. Not such a far stretch since I’m already an amateur gynecologist.

If I could be a painter, I would paint my house.

If I could be a gardener, I’d plant some of those silk flowers my wife pays so much for. Damn those are expensive!

If I could be a missionary, I’d practice the missionary position until I got it right, and then I’d be sure to do it 4 or 5 times a week to keep in practice.

If I could be a chef, I’d introduce New Yorkers to Southern Haute Cuisine: Pork chops, mustard greens and field peas with snaps, along with a big hunk of cornbread. And if they cleaned their plate, I’d let them order some banana pudding for dessert.

If I could be an architect, I’d design an underground skyscraper. That would be cool.

If I could be a linguist, well, I had a girl accuse me of being one of those, once. I broke up with her over that. Besides, I prefer regular spaghetti.

If I could be a psychologist, I’d hypnotize women, have my way with them and then make them act like chickens out in public. I wouldn’t snap my fingers, neither.

If I could be a librarian, I’d fill the library with books like Meter Maids In Bondage, and Juggs and make the library card have punch outs where you get every tenth one free.

If I could be an athlete, I'd shake my head like a wet dog and get sweat all over everybody and they would be like, “that’s cool, I ain’t never washing that off!”

If I could be a lawyer, I’d be happy because then I could screw anybody, anywhere, anytime.

If I could be an innkeeper, I’d learn to speak English, but I’d still try to bring my whole family over from India and Pakistan. Oh, and I'd have somebody clean the rooms and change the linens sometimes.

If I could be a professor, I’d be a doctor of brainiatrics.

If I could be a writer, I’d write a blog that more than 2 people read.

If I could be a backup dancer, I’d be in the ballet. Man, those chicks have great bodies and are so limber and all the other guys are gay so the girls would be like all over me and my package would look pretty good in those tights.

If I could be a llama-rider, I’d ride all over my crableg ranch, roping crabs and tying them to the saddle to take home for dinner.

If I could be a bonnie pirate? I’d be a pirate if I didn’t have to be bonnie. I’d have to figure out what part is the swashbuckle, too. Oh, and I’m not so much into losing eyes and limbs and stuff, so I would have to be able to hire people to do that for me. My workman’s comp claims would probably eat me alive, but damn, I want to keep my hands and feet. Swords are cool too. I would have a collection of them.

If I could be a midget stripper, people would laugh and say, “damn, look at the size of that thing on such a small dude!” And, the chicks would put twenty dollar bills in my g-string because they all want to see what it’s like to perv with a well-hung midget.

If I could be a proctologist, I’d say, “Okay, now cough,” while I was back there and they would look at me all confused and I would bust out laughing. Then, I would stop suddenly, become very quiet, snap the rubber gloves loudly and exclaim, “this is going to hurt you a lot more than it will me.” Then I’d start laughing again and they would really look confused and then I would leave the room and have the nurse come in and do the exam because she would be totally into that, like a fetish and all, and I’d sit in my office and drink gin and look at the illegible scribbling on the charts that the nurse did after each exam because she was so excited. And, I'd chuckle thinking about the look on their face when I left the room.

If I could be a TV-Chat Show host, I’d interview the Teletubbies. Nobody has ever done that before, as far as I know, and we’d find out once and for all if they are gay or just misunderstood.