Happy New Year Baby 2005

Inspired by Nixon, I’ve decided to make a list of things I intend to change this year…

1. The weather. Everybody complains about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. Until now. I intend to make significant and long-reaching changes to the weather. No more will there be great swings in temperature between summer and winter. We’ll do away with any temperatures over 90 and below 40. Rain will only occur between the hours of 2 and 4 a.m. and lightening will be confined to wilderness areas.

2. Global warming. Since it won’t get over 90 degrees (Fahrenheit) this will cease to be a concern.

3. Earthquakes. I don’t want to have to worry about the New Madrid fault anymore, so we’ll do away with it. We’re replacing the New Madrid fault with a vein of pure gold. Since I discovered this, I get the first claim at the spot where it comes to the surface and you don’t have to dig much to get at it. The line, for the rest of you, forms at the courthouse in Jonesboro.

4. Polar Melting. This stops here and now. If you are one of the ones on Alaskan cruises that is taking glacier ice as a souvenir (and you know who you are), put it back. This is where all the polar ice is going and it’s up to you to stop it.

5. Giant buttocks. Everytime I go to the store I can barely maneuver around all of the really large boomers blocking the aisles. If you are wider than 36 inches, you need to do your shopping after midnight and before seven a.m. Oh, and you drive too slow in your cars too. Hopefully, your new hours will fix that too.

6. Politics. If you had the ear of the President of the most powerful country in the world (like I do) you would likely decide to fix politics too. Don’t rush me, it may take until March or April, but rest assured, I will fix it.

7. Home Improvement Shows. These are some kind of dopamine generators that put my little bride into a trance for several hours each day. Starting Monday they will all be replaced with re-runs of the Man Show.

8. Money. Money will no longer be an issue. So, don’t worry about it anymore.